July 21st, 2009
Found my happy bone.
I found my happy bone.
I'm not a loner, or an introvert in that case. I can describe myself as the total opposite of those qualities, I have an astounding number of friends, I can make new ones in an instant, I talk a lot, I laugh like crazy, I love to share my insights and be heard. I'm not afraid to speak out my thoughts, until it reaches a point when I tend to hurt people or fuel their anger.
Perfection is nobody's turf. For all it matters, there are thousands of flaws/faults we can point out each other. But I remembered the good words of a friend, "it's easier to use a finger and point out faults, what's harder is to give a helping hand and try to understand". In my entire 20 years of existence, I never thought someone could still be so selfless and noble. I was moved.
It took a while before I realized I have major attitude issues. I always thought, I have a lot of friends, how can I ever be a difficult person? Then it came down to relationships. You see, having a partner is similar to a bestfriend. You give each other the same bout of time, but in this case you are more intimate, your comfort level far exceeds normal platonic relationships. Then you open yourself a lot, maybe too much, that often times the UGLY in you seeps out.
SO how bad do I want changes? I started out today. My partner and I are total opposites. I love going out while he prefers the comfort of his laptop and his room. I love partying, when he'd rather hit the sack early in the night. I tend to be more neat, while he slacks and messes his stuff like crazy. In a more serious note, he's very friendly to the opposite sex while I try to restrict my interaction with them. I'm quite a handful of your typical bad GF dilemma. I'm jealous, insecure, paranoid and possessive. These qualities doesn't exactly compliment his, he was quite patient, but bursts when fueled, he is very trusting, and his interaction with the opposite always comes out sweet. Going out for 2 1/2 years, fighting like two mad people, breaking up for 6 months. And choosing to try it out again on our supposedly 3rd year of being together. Everything sounds overwhelming, and there's more to the story I choose not to discuss (refer to previous entries, and just guess). Getting back to the point, I started by taming mysef. My temper is quite bad, I am resentful and argumentative. I always think what I say is right, therefore it must be followed. He admitted as well of bein lazy during the relationship and not doing his part. So today, he didn't make up for his words again and wanted to change the plans we made. I told him what I wanted briefly and didn't push the issue liek I would've done 5 months ago. Later on, I wanted to look around to buy stuff, he said not to get anything, I was annoyed as hell deep inside, I almost showed him was ticked off I was when he wrapped his arm on myshoulder, and I couldn't do anything else but wrap mine over his waist. I just smiled and uttered silently, "YES! no fights!".
What inspired me? I read a magazine article wherein the writer emphasized on the importance of modifying eliminating bad behaviors. It uses a technique that animal trainers practice. When you want to get rif of a bad habit, you do not reinforce neither punish it, what you do is ignore. The person won't continue doing something that is not recognized as bad or good. I think it works in modifying my behavior in return, as I ignore his annoying habits or actions, I teach myself to be more patient and relaxed. While on the other hand, I also work on bidding his bad habits "goodbye". I remembered how I push him around when he tries to be patient with me, when I always fuel our heated arguments. Things can change I believe, for three years, I say I will, but I never made any concrete move that proves so. I will give myself a weekly timeline. No fights, or a minimum of one small fight of different reasons per week.
Things I must remember:
1. Be calm, collected, relaxed
2. Set your emotions aside, or keep it to yourself, share it to a friend, but never give an emotional outburst to the person you are feeling it with. Emotions are personal, subjective, temporary spells. If you try to get back to others by making them share your misery, you would just wallow yourself into the hands of grudge.
3. Be a YES girlfriend. Whether he asks permission or not, you must let him do his own thing. He's got a life beyond you.
4. Be understanding. Think to yourself that he is the nicest person around and for may whatever cause he cheated/lied on you, he has a reason for it. Its not tolerance, especially when he chose to come back to you.
5.TRUST WITH ALL YOUR HEART. He may do something behind you, but if you've shown him enough loyalty, he would be the one to fold and come back crying to your arms.
6. Laugh a lot as a couple, do see each other once in a while, tend to your own lives. Do not lose the spark. You are never sure how to get it back. It might be back but trust me, you'd shed a river before it happens. OR it may not.
7. Continue to grow to be an interesting person, be independent but don't be intimidating.
8. Choose your words, sometimes things you don't mean your words but even if you apologize or make up for it, what has been said and how it came about can never be changed.
9. Put God in the center.
All these things I realized while sun bathing at the poolside and reading whatever there is to read. I learned that as outgoing as I maybe, I also enjoy times when I'm alone and idle. The perfect time to relax, rest your brain, leave to rest you weary cells and finally reflect on what you should do. I thought about my dreams how big they were before and how I'm willing to keep them alive given the right resources.
1. To be a doctor/ nursing practitioner
2. To be a renowned news anchor
3. To be able to dance again.
4. To learn how to play the guitar well and sing.
I am not getting old. Today. I just found my happy bone.
I wish to constantly possess this disposition. YAY. Thank you Lord
